Today I experienced the Ultimate Indignity. The blueberry- eyed boy thought I should be weighed on the human scale. Although I have eaten many assorted things: Life cereal, Rice Krispies, moths, pieces of newspaper that were close to my cage, pieces of the cage itself, hamster "kibble", blueberries to the point that I should be blue by now, as well as copious amounts of my own tears, I did not register on the Human Scale as - anything. I weigh - 0.
Listen well, my friends- this is not all he did to me in the name of "fun" - I was forced to climb up the stairs of the home, a thing I did once in my Freedom Time for enjoyment - now it was for entertainment. "Dance, Monkey, Dance" I could practically hear in my mind, as they chortled to see me scamper so gracefully and adeptly up the Berber-Carpeted Stairs. I did get some good exercise, for sure, and ate something tasty and unidentifiable off the carpet (several times - to be honest - I feel a bit ill - but this is most likely not the reason). In addition to the aforementioned assaults to my dignity, they wake me up to pat my head WHEN I AM SLEEPING - and I heard the Boy say he wanted to give me a BATH. I groom my lustrous, incomparably apricot fur twice daily - I am meticulous. In terms of hygiene, I am far cleaner than this Boy could ever be. Do I like him? Perhaps. It is not easy to thoroughly dislike such a blue-berry eyed affable and clueless creature. I am saving my true vengeance for the triangle chinned Dark-Haired One - I am waiting, oh -so-patiently - for the day that I will have my revenge.
I pine for Rosalie - it has been seven moons since she last communicated - and I fear the worst. Maybe the two of us are truly like Romeo and Juliet - star-crossed lovers, never meant to be. I have heard tale now of the plan to bring me a bride, some fanciful and bedazzling beauty named, of all things, "PEACHES". I must admit, although I feel quite guilty saying this - to being slightly intrigued.
I wait, knowing that the question is not if the door will become unlatched, or if I can actually push or chew a way out of this prison, but when...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
another Saturday night...
For reasons unknown, only the Maternal Human is here with me. I recognize her to be easily distracted by my cuteness and prone to lavishing bananas and excessive hugs upon me, which still scare me a bit, although she smells like honey and has eyes green as the lettuce I like. Am I admitting I feel a certain -fondness- for this creature? Perhaps. Even the missing boy who thinks he "owns" me has some good qualities - his questioning blueberry -type eyes are amusing to watch. The other boy -triangular chinned, with goldeny dark eyes and a penchant for the word "random" - I am wary of, as he has a crafty mind with a clear aptitude for trap-setting. He truly is a force to be reckoned with, the master of my downfall into this imprisonment I remain in.
I will look pitifully at the Maternal Human this evening. I will by subliminal mind control convince her to let me run around on the floor. Yet first, she will find herself feeding me Honey Nut Cheerios. I will "accidentally" bite her, which will cause her to cry and hold her hand, and in that moment,I will be GONE, gone to visit Rosalie who waits for me by the heart-shaped gas pipe. Wish me well, friends....
I will look pitifully at the Maternal Human this evening. I will by subliminal mind control convince her to let me run around on the floor. Yet first, she will find herself feeding me Honey Nut Cheerios. I will "accidentally" bite her, which will cause her to cry and hold her hand, and in that moment,I will be GONE, gone to visit Rosalie who waits for me by the heart-shaped gas pipe. Wish me well, friends....
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Where For Art thou, Rosalie?
The wheel holds no fascination, the blueberry left in my dish - once a treat I relished- holds no fascination. Yes,I did eat it, and (humiliatingly) did beg for, and receive three more - but my point is - I barely enjoyed the juicy delicacies so blue and amazing. I did not want the apple chip either, or the fresh lettuce -- oh howI lie! All I have to look forward to now is my daily ration. I lie there developing a paunch, ignoring the blasted wheel, eating berry after berry!
The boy looks at me so lovingly,it is hard to loathe him properly. I note how he frets over my cage now, having used duct tape to secure all passages, he still checks to make sure I cannot get out! I am haunted my the face of sweet, wild Rosalie, my sweet mouse somewhere in the walls, will I ever see her again? Will I only see giant goofy human faces pressed to the bars of my brightly colored prison? I reflect back on the sober advice of the Nstar manual: was there some essential Truth of Life I missed within those sage pages?
Can this really be all I have to look forward to? The next time the boy lets me out for any reason, I will run, run, I tell you, for the walls that hold all dear to me: Rosalie, the curious young mouselets I taught to read, the vast pipe system of Adventure......
The wheel holds no fascination, the blueberry left in my dish - once a treat I relished- holds no fascination. Yes,I did eat it, and (humiliatingly) did beg for, and receive three more - but my point is - I barely enjoyed the juicy delicacies so blue and amazing. I did not want the apple chip either, or the fresh lettuce -- oh howI lie! All I have to look forward to now is my daily ration. I lie there developing a paunch, ignoring the blasted wheel, eating berry after berry!
The boy looks at me so lovingly,it is hard to loathe him properly. I note how he frets over my cage now, having used duct tape to secure all passages, he still checks to make sure I cannot get out! I am haunted my the face of sweet, wild Rosalie, my sweet mouse somewhere in the walls, will I ever see her again? Will I only see giant goofy human faces pressed to the bars of my brightly colored prison? I reflect back on the sober advice of the Nstar manual: was there some essential Truth of Life I missed within those sage pages?
Can this really be all I have to look forward to? The next time the boy lets me out for any reason, I will run, run, I tell you, for the walls that hold all dear to me: Rosalie, the curious young mouselets I taught to read, the vast pipe system of Adventure......
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
You Cannot Contain Me!!!
My friends, I share with you now the bittersweet tale of my second escape, and, sadly - recapture.
Long into the night I toiled, seeking a way to undo the cursed blue plug that stood between myself and freedom. I recalled finally the wording used in the Nstar manual on water heaters I had found in the ducts last Thursday night. I did not know what "clockwise" meant but I studied the clock on the wall and eventually managed to figure it out. Bless you, Nstar! Carefully and methodically, I unscrewed the "safety-locked" cap. Out,out, again - the freedom as intoxicating as it was the first time!
I once again threw myself from a daunting height, off a hope chest onto the wooden dining room floor, this time, no carpet to buffet my fall - but again, my courage - and hearty breath - filled my cheek sacs to full capacity and I glided with nary a scrape or bruise to the ground.
To Rosalie! The radiance of her chocolate brown eyes, her remarkably agile whiskers, and the soul-deep conversations we had shared spurred me into the house heating system once again in search of my wild mouse fiance. Oh Rosalie, Rosalie, where for art thou, I sqealed in my most manly hamster baritone - yet only silence; the hollow, unearthly groaning of the Nstar water heater itself seeming to imply that my Rosalie had left the area. I went to this source of wisdom and begged for information, and yet the Nstar water heater seemed to be in a terrifying state of anger and bid me gone with the low ominous rumblings it emitted, as if banishing me and my hopes of love.
I wandered the duct work unceasingly, calling out her name. By accident, I found a vent to crawl through and emerged in one of the human males abode - he scooped me up like a potato - how I struggled- only to dump me back in a more utilitarian (read:jail-like) cage which has no providential blue cap of freedom! I compose love poetry and plot, waiting and thinking, waiting and thinking....the folllowing is my heartfelt rendition of my plight based on a famous poem by Maya Angelou. Dear Rosalie, if you are out there, please give me a sign...
I Know Why The Caged Hamster Bites the Side Of His Cage (an excerpt)
The free hamster leaps
off the hope chest, aptly named-
and floats, fearing naught
But the cage door's clang.
He runs to the vents
His spirit unpent,
His soul unbound to run
around -- o - wild mice in the wall-
I hearken thy call...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
My Daring Escape
I am an ordinary hamster, perhaps a little more handsome than most, with my silken apricot fur that I groom often, and shiny black eyes that I have been told, "show great intelligence."
Ordinary in the sense that I am forced to live as most domestic hamsters do, in a routine wire cage with a mundane wheel for the endless nightly spins, the humdrum chow in a dish, lacking all savor - a basic hamster life. And this was all I had in this world to think about, until Thursday night, the night of my Unprecented Escape and The Journey of My Life.
My owner, a well-meaning and kind ten-year old boy (although he persists in singing to me and thinks I enjoy it - dear Lord - the patience I must have not to bite the very thumb off him!) accidentally left a circular piece meant to block an opening at the ceiling of my cage - I was careful not to let him see that I had observed this - how carefully I feigned ignorance, chewing my piece of hydroponic lettuce as if I actually liked it -ha! ha! Humans are so gullible!
Once I detected sleeping time silence, I put the strength I have acquired from nightly push-ups, wheel running, and intense frustration with humans to the test - hoisting myself up and out of the cage - freedom! The cage sat atop a desk four feet off the ground, but I was pumped now - undeterred, I took a deep breath, filling my cheek sacs to maximum inflation. With the bass electric chords of "Born To Be Wild" thrumming through my brain, I leapt, nay, flew, gliding down to the carpet with ease, my full cheeks acting almost as wings, transporting me effortlessly. I was off and running - to the dark, to the dark my mind seemed to dictate where I should go, guiding my to the warm, close tunnels of the home heating system.
It was awesome inside the wall, so many pipes to climb, and smells my nose had never detected before. I was surprised to note I was not alone - I witnessed several creatures crawling along conduits to unknown places within my vicinity. Then, on a pipe above me - I saw ...her. Pink nose twitching, warm brown eyes aglow, a curiously slender and tailed female of a different type than I had ever seen surveyed me with intrigue evident in her lustrous,mobile whiskers. I am a gentleman, and will not reveal the details, but suffice it to say, we shared common interests and a passion that many do not experience in a lifetime. Two minutes may not seem like a long romance, but I assure you, my Rosalie will stay in my heart forever. Our children will hopefully bear my good looks and her sensitivity to feelings.
After this life changing experience,I found myself in a savage duel with a grizzled one-toothed rodent who was something akin to a pirate of his species; I managed to escape with a well-timed leap, using my cheek-sac gliding method once again. Hungry, I ate a winged thing that may have been a moth - I will never know for sure.
I found an "Nstar Water Heater Manual" and taught myself to read and write, and shared this information with an eager group of young mouselets. They referred to me as "Noble King" and shared bits of Pepperidge Farm goldfish, a rare delicacy, and more of the winged creatures I did not find so savory.
I surveyed the pipe system of the house until I began to grow weary, and found a way out.I blinked in surprise. I was in the living room where the humans spent time staring often at a brightly lit box of some sort. I noted the alluring scent of peanut butter emitting from a bucket. A helpful stairs of blocks guided me to the food source.
I fell in, trapped by the slippery walls, and tucked in to make the most of my imprisonment by eatingthe cracker with peanut butter left there. I had been duped, foiled, tricked, by my owner, who located me in this trap he had set- how I underestimated him!
Ordinary in the sense that I am forced to live as most domestic hamsters do, in a routine wire cage with a mundane wheel for the endless nightly spins, the humdrum chow in a dish, lacking all savor - a basic hamster life. And this was all I had in this world to think about, until Thursday night, the night of my Unprecented Escape and The Journey of My Life.
My owner, a well-meaning and kind ten-year old boy (although he persists in singing to me and thinks I enjoy it - dear Lord - the patience I must have not to bite the very thumb off him!) accidentally left a circular piece meant to block an opening at the ceiling of my cage - I was careful not to let him see that I had observed this - how carefully I feigned ignorance, chewing my piece of hydroponic lettuce as if I actually liked it -ha! ha! Humans are so gullible!
Once I detected sleeping time silence, I put the strength I have acquired from nightly push-ups, wheel running, and intense frustration with humans to the test - hoisting myself up and out of the cage - freedom! The cage sat atop a desk four feet off the ground, but I was pumped now - undeterred, I took a deep breath, filling my cheek sacs to maximum inflation. With the bass electric chords of "Born To Be Wild" thrumming through my brain, I leapt, nay, flew, gliding down to the carpet with ease, my full cheeks acting almost as wings, transporting me effortlessly. I was off and running - to the dark, to the dark my mind seemed to dictate where I should go, guiding my to the warm, close tunnels of the home heating system.
It was awesome inside the wall, so many pipes to climb, and smells my nose had never detected before. I was surprised to note I was not alone - I witnessed several creatures crawling along conduits to unknown places within my vicinity. Then, on a pipe above me - I saw ...her. Pink nose twitching, warm brown eyes aglow, a curiously slender and tailed female of a different type than I had ever seen surveyed me with intrigue evident in her lustrous,mobile whiskers. I am a gentleman, and will not reveal the details, but suffice it to say, we shared common interests and a passion that many do not experience in a lifetime. Two minutes may not seem like a long romance, but I assure you, my Rosalie will stay in my heart forever. Our children will hopefully bear my good looks and her sensitivity to feelings.
After this life changing experience,I found myself in a savage duel with a grizzled one-toothed rodent who was something akin to a pirate of his species; I managed to escape with a well-timed leap, using my cheek-sac gliding method once again. Hungry, I ate a winged thing that may have been a moth - I will never know for sure.
I found an "Nstar Water Heater Manual" and taught myself to read and write, and shared this information with an eager group of young mouselets. They referred to me as "Noble King" and shared bits of Pepperidge Farm goldfish, a rare delicacy, and more of the winged creatures I did not find so savory.
I surveyed the pipe system of the house until I began to grow weary, and found a way out.I blinked in surprise. I was in the living room where the humans spent time staring often at a brightly lit box of some sort. I noted the alluring scent of peanut butter emitting from a bucket. A helpful stairs of blocks guided me to the food source.
I fell in, trapped by the slippery walls, and tucked in to make the most of my imprisonment by eatingthe cracker with peanut butter left there. I had been duped, foiled, tricked, by my owner, who located me in this trap he had set- how I underestimated him!
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