Today I experienced the Ultimate Indignity. The blueberry- eyed boy thought I should be weighed on the human scale. Although I have eaten many assorted things: Life cereal, Rice Krispies, moths, pieces of newspaper that were close to my cage, pieces of the cage itself, hamster "kibble", blueberries to the point that I should be blue by now, as well as copious amounts of my own tears, I did not register on the Human Scale as - anything. I weigh - 0.
Listen well, my friends- this is not all he did to me in the name of "fun" - I was forced to climb up the stairs of the home, a thing I did once in my Freedom Time for enjoyment - now it was for entertainment. "Dance, Monkey, Dance" I could practically hear in my mind, as they chortled to see me scamper so gracefully and adeptly up the Berber-Carpeted Stairs. I did get some good exercise, for sure, and ate something tasty and unidentifiable off the carpet (several times - to be honest - I feel a bit ill - but this is most likely not the reason). In addition to the aforementioned assaults to my dignity, they wake me up to pat my head WHEN I AM SLEEPING - and I heard the Boy say he wanted to give me a BATH. I groom my lustrous, incomparably apricot fur twice daily - I am meticulous. In terms of hygiene, I am far cleaner than this Boy could ever be. Do I like him? Perhaps. It is not easy to thoroughly dislike such a blue-berry eyed affable and clueless creature. I am saving my true vengeance for the triangle chinned Dark-Haired One - I am waiting, oh -so-patiently - for the day that I will have my revenge.
I pine for Rosalie - it has been seven moons since she last communicated - and I fear the worst. Maybe the two of us are truly like Romeo and Juliet - star-crossed lovers, never meant to be. I have heard tale now of the plan to bring me a bride, some fanciful and bedazzling beauty named, of all things, "PEACHES". I must admit, although I feel quite guilty saying this - to being slightly intrigued.
I wait, knowing that the question is not if the door will become unlatched, or if I can actually push or chew a way out of this prison, but when...
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Herbie, I see two of your imprisoners on a near daily basis.
ReplyDeleteI have slowly been instilling my influnce on them, and soon i shall break them completely of their free will.
Then you shall be free.
Mwouah ha ha ha hehehehe ha
Herbie,
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your Peaches!!
I don't need you. I have found a much more attractive mouse. Don't bother to write about me anymore you hurtful two faced no good rat!!
I should have known that a hamster like you would only break my heart.
Mrs. Rosalie Chedderton
Dear Rosalie "Cheddarton" - I merely considered something - you mouse of little virtue- mousy/minx holder of the dagger aimed straight at my heart- you have Married, betrothed to another - a common mouse? When your children have apricot fur and my shining eyes, what will your husband have to say about that? My tears are endless...
ReplyDeleteYou fool, my new husband has legally adopted our children. They will never know of the likes of you!!
ReplyDeleteENJOY YOUR LONELY DAYS!!!!
Mrs. Rosalie Chedderton (with an e we are Hungarian)
ps.what is with the obsession of fruit, apricots and peaches
Dear Herb Man,
ReplyDeleteMy owner "Aunt Joanie" has taken me to a "pet psychic" of Great Fame and we were told that 1. I am a gifted oracle of a hamster, in addition to being a purebred hamster of silky white fur and a rosebud type nose not uncommonly referred to "gorgeous" 2. We were told that a manly apricot furred heroic hamster with a name beginning with "H" was in my future and that we would have a happy marriage and 28 babies together! Could it be... you, dear Herbie? The "Aunt Joanie" person may arrange our marriage, if you are willing, and not to heartbroken over some scruffy little nere-do-well mousy who eats bugs!